525,600 Minutes

My husband is on the precipice of one year sober. Just 1 more day. We’re celebrating with a week long cruise next week. I’m so excited!

I keep saying that D-Day was the best, worst day of my life. I got an even better version of my husband. I didn’t even realize what I was missing. We are SO much better today than we were a year ago. Much more intimate. Much closer. We resolve conflicts in minutes instead of days. He’s always been my best friend….even before all of this. That was the hardest part about d-day for me….losing my best friend. But now? We’re each other’s best friend.

It’s really a bitter sweet time for me. I’m going through a period of change where I don’t have many people in my corner these days. I think everyone goes through those times. You’ll have years of more friends and family than you know what to do with, and then years where you wonder where the hell everyone went. Feast or famine. I’m going through famine now.

But, that’s ok.

Before, this would send me into panic attacks. Now…I know that as long as my husband is by my side, I’m fine. We can weather ANY storm. He’s my rock and now, I’m his.

Happy Anniversary to us!

I Wish I Was More Like Him

I think people are attracted to others that are a lot like they are. Whether they realize it or not.

My husband and I have a LOT of commonalities…..almost too many to count. Over the years, we have realized that we’ve been in so many of the same places at the same time, yet never met.

We both have parents that have abandoned us, and other parents that were way too overbearing. My father abandoned me and my mother was too overbearing. His mother abandoned him and his father was too overbearing. We both have half siblings that we just haven’t been able to work a full relationship with. We both had 3 children. He had 2 boys and a girl. I had 2 boys and a girl. (Although, I kept all of mine while he gave all 3 of his up for adoption).

Those are just a handful of our commonalities.

It is no wonder that we both have intimacy issues. The difference is…..he. doesn’t. give. a. shit.

I fret and worry….every single day….about why my father wants nothing to do with me. About why my half-brother is content with never speaking to me. About why I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a year. About why my sister and I don’t speak. I lose sleep. I wring my hands. I wonder if my parents will die before we have a chance at a healthy relationship. I worry that my brother’s children will never know me. I wonder what was/is so wrong with me that I am the common denominator in all of these relationships…..is it them? Or is it me? it doesn’t feel like it’s me…..but how can it be them??

I stew over what “he” said to me. What she meant when she said “that”.

I mentally chew and chew over ancient conversations. Never coming to a conclusion. Never coming to a resolve.

While my husband, falls asleep in ten seconds. While he laughs at tv shows. While he easily goes about life….never worried…never fretting…never freaking out.

The ONLY thing I have EVER seen him fret about is our marriage. I do believe he would cease to exist if our marriage ended. I don’t think he would survive that. He has survived his own mother telling him that he ruined her life. He has survived his father exposing him to porn at the age of 5. He has survived his “best friends” turning on him. But…I do not believe he would survive our marriage failing.

While that gives me hope about our relationship, it also makes me envious of him. I want to live my life free of worry about what others (even family) think of me. I want to live my life knowing that I am doing exactly what I want, with no worries as to disappointing others. I’m so tired of constantly feeling like I’m disappointing everyone in my life. It’s exhausting.

I wish I was more like him.

And then I realize how much we have in common and I think…..maybe I’m a lot more like him than I thought.