It Really CAN Get Better

I’ve been afraid to post in awhile. Afraid that if I did, I would suddenly wake up and all of this happiness will have been a dream. But now, I know it’s real. Even if it doesn’t last forever, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.

My husband has worked his butt off to do everything he needed to do to get healthy. To stop ruining our marriage and maybe more importantly, to stop ruining himself.

His exposure to sex and porn at such a tragically young age could have caused irreparable damage to his psyche. He was taught that women were for sex…and that you only married women that you didn’t want to have sex with. Sex was dirty and raw and you didn’t treat women that you respected (ie: married) that way.

He now knows that’s not the case. He is a new man. He thanks me and the universe every day for how happy he is and how much better he feels. He now has room in his brain for the IMPORTANT things in life. Instead of focusing on getting his next “fix” constantly…he can now focus on work. Or on our marriage. It’s really been remarkable.

The other day, he stopped at the store on his way home from an SA meeting. Not only did he remember that I was out of hair color….but he actually remembered what color I use! And a few days before that, he remembered what conditioner I use. He friggin PAYS ATTENTION now and it’s amazing how this has changed our entire dynamic.

We don’t bicker anymore. We don’t fight anymore. There’s peace in our house. Love and peace and respect.

Our sex life is better than it’s ever been. Do we have sex every day? Hell no….I’m too old for that shit. LOL  But, we have already had more sex so far this year….than we’ve probably had our entire married life. And the sex is much better! Much more gratifying and enjoyable.

We took a trip to the mountains a couple of weeks ago and had such a good time. Before, he would NEVER consider going hiking with me in the mountains. I always wanted to go waterfall hunting when we would take trips to the mountains but he would always balk at that and find ways to get out of it. Or….just simply pout until I stopped asking.

But, this time….he took me. Every single freaking day. Without me even asking. And we had SUCH a good time. I’m just over the moon.

Our therapist is so proud of us and she tears up every time we go in because she remembers how devastated we were just 5 short months ago. How shattered I was. And now….we are so on the right path.

There IS hope for everyone going through this. But, it comes with a caveat. Both  people in the relationship have to really want it to be better. The person with the sex addiction has to really want to be rid of the addiction, and the spouse of that person, has to be willing to embrace their part of the addiction….and be willing to forgive. Never forget….but forgive.

I’ve forgiven my husband. He was just a 5 year old boy living in a 45 year old body. not even knowing that he was doing anything wrong. He was programmed to behave that way. And now that he knows better….he’s doing better. In spades.

For me, I’ve accepted my role in all of this. And I did play a part. I allowed our marriage to become one of convenience. I turned a blind eye to our growing distance because I just didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to look at another marriage falling apart. it was easier to bury my head in the sand and just accept it for what it was at the time. Two people that loved each other but didn’t really know how to be IN love with each other.

That’s all changed now. We are more in love now than ever in our relationship. 13 years in and it’s like we’re giddy teenagers.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, sure. I’m used to the rug being pulled out from under me when I start getting happy. And, I’ve gone into hyper-vigilant mode as far as checking his computer and phone. But, he’s totally ok with that. He’s never once gotten frustrated with me for checking up on him. Not once. If I ask him about an email I see or about a phone number I found, he answers me as if I have every right to ask that question. And you know what? I do.

He’s an open book to me now.

I could point to a million different reasons why we’re doing so good. I say he did it. He says I did it. We both say our therapist did it. She says we both did it.

Who cares. It got done. And it will continue to get done.

Because I know that we are only as strong as our last conversation. Our last pillow talk. Our last hand holding. Our last kiss.

If we turn our backs on us again, we will allow all of this hard work to undo itself. And neither one of us wants that.

I’ve read many times that only 5% of marriages that go through sex addiction make it.

Well, I’m proud and hopeful to be in that 5%! But, I also want to change that statistic. I think that number is wrong. I think that 100% of couples who BOTH want to change and heal, can. If either one is only part way in…..then they’re both all the way out. It won’t work.

I love my life right now. And I can honestly say that D-Day was the best, worst day I’ve ever had. That day brought my husband back to me….only better. All the pain and tears were worth what I have now.