Wow….it’s been a really long time since my last entry. I felt like maybe I didn’t have anything more to say. Like I had felt all the feelings.
Of course, that’s not true. It’s not true now and it wasn’t true then. An ostrich can’t change his feathers.
Things are still “status quo” here, I think. He stills swears up and down, back and forth, that he will NEVER do ANYTHING (emphasis his) to hurt me again. But, I’m not sure I buy it.
As I stated several months ago, our couples therapist moved away last August. We haven’t been to a therapist since. He is still going to his own therapist, but only once a month. And, he no longer goes to SAA. His SA therapist approves of this. She doesn’t think he really needs it. He’s not the “typical” SA patient, I guess.
I see us slipping back into our same ol’ same ol’ marriage. Sex once every 4-6 weeks. Both of us on our laptops/tablets in front of the tv every night. Bickering a little more each day.
Two big red flags that have happened recently: First, we have started a new diet together. It’s something that my doctor says is really important for me and, despite his kicking and screaming, he has gone along with it. It’s 30 days…pretty strict. I told him he wouldn’t be allowed to take any of his chemical supplements that he takes before his workouts. He pitched a fit…but eventually said ok.
Last week, I went into the kitchen and there was a white powder on the counter. It looked a lot like sugar and I thought maybe he had snuck some sugar in something. So, I asked him about it. He said he had no idea what it was. That he’d seen it, too (thanks for wiping it up, buddy). So, I let it go….who knows what it was.
Fast forward a few days later….he leaves much earlier in the morning than I wake up. So, when I woke up, I went into the kitchen and his dirty glass was there (do you see a pattern here?) with the residue I’ve come to know as being his morning “workout drink”…with the powder that he wasn’t supposed to be using for 30 days. I go check the powder and sure as shit….it’s the same powder that I had seen on the counter days before.
I texted him and called him out on it. At first, I wasn’t really that mad….just a little peeved. Until he tried to deny keeping anything from me. He said that he had checked the ingredients and it was all natural so he didn’t think it was a problem and he didn’t feel like me “lecturing him” about it and he was planning to tell me the next weekend. We got into a HUGE fight…with me accusing him of lying by omission…and him calling our old therapist, who, of course, told him that she couldn’t help us since she’s no longer our therapist and isn’t even practicing in our state! (I’m so embarrassed)
I had told him to call HIS therapist…which he eventually did….and I guess she talked him down and he apologized…even though I don’t completely feel that he meant it. I told him he could NOT lie to me…EVER. It just makes me wonder that if he’s willing to lie about something so incredibly stupid and pointless….then what ELSE is he lying about?
Anyway…we got past that.
Then today. We’re texting this morning. Just our usual “Good morning”, “How are you doing” “How’s work going”…stuff. I tell him about my sister. He responds. He asks about my back (which has been hurting). I respond. He asks about my weigh in this morning. I respond. I ask about his. He responds with “Will check tonight”. I say “K”.
A few minutes later he sends “I miss you too….”
So, I ask “Who was that for?” and he says “Just cuz I miss you”
I say “But you said too…And I hadn’t said it”
he says “Right…along with everything I miss you also”
I say “Hmm…ok”
He says “Stop trying to over analyze silly”
At this point…I start getting angry and told him to stop telling me how to feel. And then I stopped texting.
Now, I know that some of you are reading this and saying “why didn’t you just call him instead of texting?” And, I suppose that’s a valid comment but…it wouldn’t have done any good. He would have just told me I was being silly and that he just meant that, in addition to everything else we were talking about, that he missed me. And, I would still feel that it was super weird and my red flag antennae is WAY up in the air right now.
So, here we are. Over a year and a half after D day…and I’m still really suspicious. And I’m wondering if this is something that I can live with for the rest of my fucking life. Going months, feeling secure and normal. Then BAM….I’m back to being an emotional, raw mess. Wondering who this person is that shares not only my bed, but my life.
It makes me so angry. All over again. So angry that he did this to me. To us. If I knew then what I know now…I wouldn’t have married him. I would have kept looking. Despite all the good times. Despite knowing that he would die for me. Despite knowing how hard he works for our family.
None of it is worth it. Not if there isn’t trust.
I may change my mind tomorrow…but today, that’s how I’m feeling.